Lauren Reeves. Actress. Comedian. TV Host. Model. Improviser. Storyteller. Writer. Alaskan. New Yorker.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
How to NOT be found guilty
Straight off the guilty verdict in the Jodi Arias trial, I’ve come up with a list of 5 ways to help be found innocent in a court of law. I hope these tips keep all of you future Jodi Arias from the slammer.
1. Make “sexy eyes” with Jury members, odds are, someone in that group thinks they have a chance with you. All you need is one person to claim your innocence, this will lead to a hung jury resulting in a mistrial.
2. When you take the stand this is your chance to show off your personality. The best way to win a court room is through natural charm. Say the prosecution asks “why did you murder your husband?” Follow up with “Because he went to Jared.” I swear, everyone will laugh and be like, yup, I’d kill my man too!
3. Be flirty! During cross examination always giggle a little bit when the prosecution speaks. Then follow it up with “has anyone ever told you you’re cute when you’re mad?”
4. Never look better than the Judge. There is a similar rule in weddings to never outshine the bride. So, even if you are naturally better looking than the Judge, rub some dirt on your face, at least they’ll know you’re trying.
5. Instead of whispering in your lawyers ear, reach out and give them a wet willy. The media will love your quirky mannerisms.
Really getting into YouTube lately. Check out the first episode of “The Lo-Down with Lauren Reeves”. I wrote all the jokes myself, I’m so sorry.
The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read, now on video.
It depends, but I usually switch between first base and pitcher.
Khloe Kardashian.
Honestly, at least negative 5.
I’ve decided to become an entertainment reporter, but for the news! I hit the streets of NYC recently to get the scoop on Pope Francis, Hollywood’s hottest new heart throb.
This afternoon, my partner Turtle walked out of our apartment to grab a bite. Before he even left our block, a man called him “faggot” as he passed. Rather than let the guy get away with it, Turtle decided to confront this man about his hateful behavior. And he filmed it.
Notice how well Turtle handles himself in this video. No need to fight hate with hate; calling him “slick hair” is as hateful as Turtle gets (which is hilarious and awesome). He lets that ignorant clown have it with poise and decency. Not surprising, considering Turtle is the absolute best guy around and I couldn’t be prouder of him.
Our neighbors saw this altercation, and told Turtle that this man has been harassing their thirteen year-old son for years, sometimes even calling him “faggot” while the kid was in recess at school with his peers. They know who he is and where he lives. They’ve been too scared for the kid’s safety to do anything about it. But it’s going to end today.
Turtle called the cops and is going to file a complaint tomorrow morning. I don’t know what’s going to happen yet, but hopefully this jerk will learn that we’re not going to put up with this crap in our neighborhood anymore.
On the bright side, this charmer is already in talks with DC Comics to illustrate Orson Scott Card’s Superman story. It’ll be the first comic book drawn completely in douchey hair gel.
Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) chats with Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco)
conversationswithatwitterfeed:
Lauren Reeves is an actress, comedy writer and model living in New York City. She is the star of National Geographic Channel’s Goldfathers and has appeared on Conan O’Brien, Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, and even YouTube. One time she spent 20 years of her life growing up in Alaska.
Watch Lauren chat with Jose Canseco on their first date.
Follow Lauren on Twitter here.
I miss the boneyard! So many pleistocene bones just waiting for me to go back to Alaska this summer and find them. I guess my whole thing now is wanting to clone a woolly mammoth.
